Yesterday I had 11 years free from heroin.  It feels like another lifetime ago.

I’ve never really liked talking about “sobriety.” I’ve been to at least a dozen different treatment centers and I am the 100% The Outlier.

I did not get sober by some miracle or some force Greater than myself. I got sober because I’m stubborn. I got into an altercation with a corrupt judge over the fact that I told her that she can’t expect anyone to get sober “by the book” and that was why her Drug Court was failing. By failing, I meant that a huge majority of her clients were either dying in the program itself or manipulating their way through the system to complete the program, then immediately relapse and die once completed. She called it “contempt,” told me it was her court room and she knew better than me, I was just an addict and would never change, then threatened to ship me to Marysville Prison for 5 years for disrespecting her.

She put up every single obstacle in my path that she could. She denied me the right to get mental health treatment claiming I had no history of mental illness, even though I had documented evidence dating back over a decade of being treated by a psychiatrist and psychologist, and had documented trips to the psych ward.

She denied me the ability to go to the treatment center for mothers. I was currently pregnant with my second child and I had my son currently with my parents as his legal guardians. When I inquired why she denied this program to me, she refused to provide an answer other than “no.” This program would have allowed me access to maternal care- which she denied and I did not get until nearly my 3rd trimester. My daughter was born with some long lasting effects due to that.

During group sharing time at the jail treatment center she sent me to instead, with absolutely no maternal care, I was asked to share my feelings. At first I refused to speak, but after being threatened with non-compliance (which would result in 1-3 day(s) punishment in county jail) I shared that I felt that judge and her little dog of a probation officer were some power tripping bitches. This got me kicked out of the program entirely & transferred back to the county jail. I told her she could do whatever the hell she wants to me, lock me up wherever for however long, but she will NEVER break my spirit. I gladly accepted my felonies and felt beyond relief to be back in county jail after the absolute hell that was that drug program.  Then after a total of 6 months, start to finish, I was finally released from jail back out to society.

Luckily for me, I picked up another non-drug related felony (receiving stolen property) when I got home and was transferred out of her courtroom into the courtroom of my ex, who did the stealing part of the property I received. This was the absolute best outcome that could have happened. This judge was fair. This judge gave me a chance. This judge actually rooted for me. This probation officer rooted for me and believed in me. This probation officer valued respect, on both sides, instead of being an authoritarian. This was the team I needed.

I became obsessed with showing my old corrupt judge that I did in fact know better than her. My life mission became getting sober just so I could look her in the eyes with the biggest shit-eating grin on my face  and show her who holds the real power here- ME.

11 years later, she’s been removed from the courthouse. I’m still sober. I told you I knew better, Judge Burke. My “shit attitude” (aka stubbornness) in fact is what got me, and kept me, sober.

Reasons Why I Call Myself an Outlier

• I’ve never supported AA/NA. I have been to many meetings in several different states, and they are all the same. The members of AA see themselves as the “superior” addicts & don’t approve of the members who use drugs and believe they need to be at NA, but the members of NA are typically there on a court-mandated basis so they see it as a meet up spot to make new addict friends or prey on weaker addicts to get them to relapse. Therefore, making it an unsafe environment for drug-using addicts, hence why they try to gravitate towards AA instead.

Beyond the initial turf wars, this program focuses on the fact that you are and always will be an addict. There is literally no hope of being anything else but an addict for the rest of your days. I just don’t believe that & I think that is both weak and sick thinking. I have addict tendencies, but I am no longer an addict. I WAS an addict. I AM now healed. Telling myself that I am no longer an addict, does not make me think that I am able to use now. I know that I can’t. I “play the tape through” and know that using once means never putting it back down, so I just don’t. Know better, do better in all aspects of life.

• I use Medical Marijuana & still consider myself sober. I am 100% against big pharma & taking pharmaceutical medications, although I do have to give credit to Vivitrol for my sobriety which I used for 1 year after initial detox. I was an extremely overmedicated child/teenager. I was the drug trial for Seroquel and at one point I was on 700 mg of it, while only 85 lbs myself. I could barely stand up. I had severe hallucinations that left me screaming for my mom to save me, however since she couldn’t see or hear what I could, there was nothing she could do to help me. It was hands down the WORST medication for any human to be on, and what is worse is my doctor assured me it was safe to take while pregnant with my oldest son, then he was born with tremors from it. I went against AMA and stopped taking ALL medications after he was born, and it was the best decision for myself. I strongly urge you to research “Seroquel Horror Stories” to save yourself or any loved ones who may be a victim of a doctor prescribing this poison.

I believe those medications had a HUGE impact on my addictions and mental illnesses. The list of things I had been prescribed over the years was long and I HATED every single medicine since the very first one. I hated the way they made me feel. I hated everything about them.

However with my addictions, came a lot of trauma and I developed PTSD. I use medical marijuana was a way to cope with my PTSD, disordered eating, and constant back pain from carrying 6 babies & 6 c-section surgeries. It works as an anti-psychosis for me, the same way that someone with depression would benefit from an anti-depressant. It helps me sleep & eliminates the nightmares that  I’ve had since I was a child. Medical Marijuana also helped me quit a 15 year nicotine addiction back in 2018 which I had previously attempted using gum, patches, hypnosis, cold turkey, and other methods all of which none worked for me.

It’s been a long, strange trip getting here, but now that I’m here, I couldn’t imagine my life any other way. There have definitely been times that I missed the “old me.” I was so carefree and unapologetically me. I felt invincible. Every day was an exciting adventure. But I was so empty & alone. I love the life I’ve built. My husband, my kids, my home. Homeschooling & having a zoo. I love being healthy. I love the stability. I love the safety and security. I love getting to experience life with everyone I love & who loves me. I might even finally be starting to love… me.

Until next time ♡ Mama Morozov