I recently learned that I have a “spam” folder in my Facebook Messenger & when I checked it, found this really nice message to me from someone who had found me online.
Even though I was late to recieve it, it came at a time when I really needed to hear it more than when it arrived & it felt really good to know that my efforts are not going unnoticed; that I am making a difference. It was received at a time when I was feeling weak, and needed a reminder that I am strong.
All I’ve wanted since getting sober almost 12 years ago now, is to help others and put good back into the world to make up for the bad that I had done – a restitution to the universe. To live out my purpose of why I was chosen to be saved, and not be the “waste of narcan” I was told I was when I overdosed. To give somebody hope who currently has a loved one who is struggling with addiction – that they can win this battle and conquer their demons.
It felt nice to be acknowledged by a complete stranger. To actually be seen. I don’t want to forget that.
March 28, 2024 – my last felony expunged & my rights granted back to me.
Hi Madison,
Let me introduce myself: Max. My family, consisting of my wife, daughter and me, is originally from Kyiv, Ukraine.
When I came across your Facebook post in which you provide invaluable assistance to Ukrainian families in need, I couldn’t help but be touched. Your unwavering commitment to providing the necessary support is truly commendable.
Your resilience and fortitude are evident, Madison. Learning about the adversity you overcame eleven years ago fills me with awe. Such strength of character is rare; not everyone has the ability to overcome their shortcomings and create a brighter path forward.
Your merits require admiration.
I beg you, Madison, to never look back on your past. Embrace this new beginning that has been given to you. This is not a matter of choice – it is your legal right.
Welcome back to another week of the Mom Set Free Bible Study! I’m late to share again, but This week I’m working through Week 1, Day 2. Things are getting a lot more vulnerable!
This is one of my favorite quotes: “I will not treat my blessings as burdens ♡.” I feel like it is such a huge reminder to us all and something that I absolutely need to repeat daily to myself.
• Share your most recent experience here.
For some back story for those who don’t physically have the study book in front of them: the author, Jeannie Cunnion, is explaining she had a rough night with a teething baby, woke up too late with not enough sleep and older children to get ready for school, no quick food to give for breakfast and a new puppy that needed walked. She asked if I have ever had a morning like that.
Since we began homeschooling, our mornings are no longer as hectic as that which is one of my huge homeschool “whys.” I honestly don’t want to ever go back to living those kinds of mornings on a regular basis. Having the freedom to not live by society’s schedule gave me back the freedom in motherhood. It allows my children to sleep in and listen to their bodies cues. It allows me to make sure they have a hot meal for breakfast every morning. It gives me time to attend to my youngest’s needs, who still wakes up very much needing some snuggle time with mama.
However, on Sunday mornings that we have Ukrainian School, we are often reminded of this early morning rushing. Putting lunches together that I forgot about, not having ingredients needed. Not having time for breakfast beforehand. Making sure no one forgets their books or folders. Getting together and getting there. My husband not wanting to wake up, so now I have to get Moses ready & bring him last minute without his snuggle time. I can’t concentrate on school with him there. Not having enough gas to get there, but not having enough time to stop for gas. Working the entire day & night before made it impossible to prepare at all and I was so exhausted I fell immediately asleep once I got home & waking up to wrangle everyone before they – or I – am fully rested was too much for me. I had to cut a couple hours off my shiftso that I can better manage.
Jeanne’s friend, Heather, confessed her parenting burden that she was carrying: “her soul has carried around the 500-pound lie that it’s all up to her to control the outcomes.” She then openly asked others to join in the discussion and share the lies that were creeping into their minds so that she could encourage them through God’s truth & to pray for them.
• How did it feel reading those responses?
The responses in the book were: “Any other mom could do it better.” “I’m not good enough.” And, “I can’t do this mothering thing one more day.”
I can definitely relate to Heather that it’s up to me to control every outcome & fix every problem. I can relate to the general phrase that I’m not good enough, not specific to motherhood. I tell myself that I’m not doing enough. I tell myself I’m failing.
The other two statements I cannot relate to at all. Sure, there are moms who can do some things better than I can (especially getting places on time), but when it comes to parenting, there is not a single mom on this Earth who can do a better job than me at being my kids’ mom. They were meant for me, and I for them. I truly feel that in the last few years I have really found myself as a mother. I know that this is my calling. When we first began homeschooling, my biggest pet peeve quickly became hearing other mothers say things like “I would/could never be around my kids that much,” when I mentioned homeschooling. Or when mothers would complain about “the weekend not being long enough away from” their kids. There is absolutely nothing my kids could do to make me *want* to send them away for their entire day, every day or every weekend or possible opportunity just to not be around them. I want the opposite. I want them to be with me as long as they possibly will. I want to give them a reason to want to stay at home and not rush out as soon as they turn 18. Motherhood is the single greatest gift that I have been blessed with in this life and to hear other moms talk so negatively about it is really disheartening to me.Those are not the kind of thoughts I want influencing my mind.
• How would you answer Heather’s question: “What lies are creeping into your mind as you parent?”
– I’m not worthy/enough to be Kaden’s mom. – I’m ruining my kids. – I’m lying about how many kids I have (6 feels like a lie, but so does 5.) – I’m doing such a bad job. – I am failing. – Everything is my fault. – I don’t belong with these other moms.
• From where do you think those lies stem? Are they self-imposed? From society? From specific people in your life?
I’d say a little of everywhere. Not a single day of my life that I can remember have I ever felt like I was enough. I carry a lot of trauma from my emotional needs not being met in childhood and many adults drilling in my head how bad of a child I was. I carry a lot of trauma with me because of Kaden not being with me. I struggle a lot internally about why I am good enough to be a mom to the rest of my kids, but not Kaden. I carry a lot of trauma from my addictions. I spent so long trying to “prove” myself when I got sober that I never learned how to live as an adult without proving myself. I dealt with a false child services report with my second child (which was very quickly closed) by someone who intended to hurt me & my family and that also traumatized me very much. That same person threatened to kidnap my child which had me on edge at all times, living in fear. I feel like so much of my early parenting revolved around real fear & uncertainty (not just thoughts of it) that it implanted itself in my brain very deep and is always there.
• We are urged to do what? (Romans 12:2)
Fix my attention on God
• And what is the benefit of that?
I will be transformed from the inside out
• Let’s personalize this for our parenting. What are your thoughts and emotions as you ponder this verse?
I can stop striving to be enough because I already am enough to God. I do not need to push myself past my limits just to be enough. I am not God and I need to stop trying to control every outcome and let His plan unfold. I need to stop believing that if only I do more I will be enough. I need rest.
• Who God is, which is:sovereign , and what God gives us, which is:grace, is enough.
• What does Jesus invite us to do?
Come to himand put down the burden of trying to live up to impossible standards and take on the lighter yoke of Grace
What does Jesus tell us about His heart in these verses?
He is gentle & humble
What does He tell us He will give us?
Restin our soul.Grace. Freedom.
• Read Matthew 11:28-30 again, but this time please insert your name at the beginning.
Madison, are you tired?Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me – watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of Grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.
• Read Matthew 11:28-30 one more time and note the ways Jesus says we will learn to live freely & lightly
1 – Walk with Him
2 – Work with Him
3 – Learn from Him
*** We learn to live freely and lightly by abiding in Him, not by trying to be Him ♡
Close with Prayer.
Thanks for being here with me on my motherhood journey as I work through this Mom Set Free Bible Study. I appreciate your support more than you know. I hope that you find the inspiration to also set yourself free & take control back of your motherhood with me.
I am currently working through the Mom Set Free Bible Study. Today I am focusing on the study for Week One, Day One. As I work through it, I am recording my answers below. Writing is therapy for me, and I really enjoy looking back on progress I’ve made over the years to see who I was during each seasons of my life. This is the current season I’m in.
My goal is to share each Sunday, but this week I was really busy so I’m running a day behind.
Rank where you fall on a scale of 1 – 5, with 1 being “no pressure” and 5 being “immense pressure”
The pressure to orchestrate a picture-perfect future for your children: 5
The pressure to be a perfect example for your children to follow: 5
The pressure to create a saving and vibrant faith in your children’s lives: 5
The pressure to produce Christlike character in your children’s lives: 5
The pressure to shield your children from ungodly influence of culture: 5
The pressure to protect your children from hardship and/or suffering: 2. (Life is going to have a ton of hardship, it’s inevitable & I cannot prevent it, but my job is to teach them how to handle hardship while never losing their spirit. How to get back up fiercefully, yet gracefully. How to thrive in survival. How to be a warriors, not victims. How to have a firm footing in Christ. How to look to our ancestors who faced much, much hardshipfor guidance & strength. How to build a support system here on Earth who they can turn to in times of trouble & assurance that while they will definitely go through hardships in life, they never have to go through it alone.)
The pressure to ensure your children fulfill their potential and purpose: 5
The pressure to prove you have it all together in front of other moms: 5!!!
The pressure to earn God’s pleasure in the way you parent your children: 5
Are there any other pressures you experience that aren’t listed above? Describe them: – The pressure to get everything done in one day. This last year & a half I’ve been experiencing the pressure of paying all of our bills and basic needs on almost nothing – that pressure alone has been huge.Keeping the kids on task with schoolwork.
Pause to read 2 Corinthians.
• Have you ever felt the pressure you are under in your mothering is far beyond your ability to endure?
Yes, but I also know that God won’t give us more than we can handle.
• What does relying on God look like for you in your parenting?
If I’m being honest, it’s usually at the end of trying to do it all myself, when I have exhausted all other options and I don’t know what else to do. I’d like to begin turning to God first, not last.
• What causes you to rely on yourself rather than on God? What is typically the result of that?
Feeling like it’s up to me & only me to do everything in my Earthly body. I end up upset & easily annoyed with everyone around me. I end up in a big pile of mess that needs help being cleaned up. I end up becoming constantly overwhelmed & stressed out beyond what I can handle, then turn into the angry & nagging mom & wife I absolutely do not want to be.
• What are some things you place your hope in every day?
Myself, my husband, my kids, time, food assistance, the universe, having enough time, figuring it out.
• What has been the result?
Chaos, unhappiness, resentment, stress, never being able to catch up or keep up, feeling like I’m living on a loop.
• Where does Scripture tell us our hope should come from?
God
• Read 1 Thessalonians 5:24. Who is doing the action in these verses?
God
• What is the promise?
He who called me to motherhood will see me through motherhood.
Thanks for walking this journey with me. I appreciate your support. I hope that you are inspired to join me in answering the study questions in your own life! It’s never too late to find your freedom in Motherhood. ❤️
I’ve been struggling heavy this year. Struggling to keep up. Struggling to cope with grief & choices I made in the past. Struggling to keep the lights on. Struggling with mood swings & resentment. Just… Struggling.
I’ve decided to do some soul cleaning & mind work by going back through the Mom Set Free Bible Study.
I worked through this Bible Study a few years ago in a Mom Group. I felt like I got a lot out of it, but that I was also a completely different person in a different place at that time. I’ve added a few more children since then, learned a few more life lessons, and began finding real confidence in motherhood & homemaking.
I don’t have the time to complete each day’s work on a daily basis in this current season of life we’re in here, so I am aiming to work through one “day” slowly throughout the week until I make it through the entire workbook, sharing on Sundays.
Opening Questions
• If you could go back to the time when you were preparing for your first child, what advice would you give to the younger you?
Make your own decisions – do not let family or doctors make decisions for you. This is your child, not theirs. Worry less about names & shopping for clothes and spend more time researching everything. Research formula. Research vaccines. Research circumcision. Research Johnson & Johnson. Research Gerber. Research c-sections; trust in your own body, not a psychiatrist. You don’t need surgery or the pharmaceuticals being pushed on you. Start eating real food, stay away from processed poison. Learn to cook so you can teach good food habits from the start. Move out on your own.
Looking back, it’s absolutely wild how far I’ve come as a mother from my first pregnancy 15 years ago. I’m a completely different person. I have completely different values. I have a completely different mindset. Back then, I still had such a childish mind. I made mindless decisions that I strongly regret based on what others, or society, told me to do. Today, I would never. I’ve had life changing experiences with each child that has led me down different paths that taught me to leave society & raise my kids my own way. With each child I’ve gained more confidence in my abilities as a mother, and learned that being at home with my children is what I was called to do.
• What are some of the pressures mom face each day?
I cannot speak for other moms, I can only speak for myself. I homeschool during the week. I work my entire Saturday which sets me back days, all for a measley $100 –Our family’s only income for the last year & a half.Keep up with laundry, cleaning, meals, lawn & garden work, grocery shopping, meal planning, daily baking, cooking all meals at home from scratch,I take care of the cats. Getting kids to appointments & activities. Planning birthdays & holidays. Extended breastfeeding & cloth diapering. On Sundays, we have Ukrainian School where I am helping Ms. Tetiana with the preschoolers.
• What weakness has parenting revealed to you as a mom? What is the hardest part of being a mom for you?
I am controlling. I over-react to mess & too much noise. I have a hard time accepting help. I set unrealistically high standards for myself then get angry when I can’t achieve these standards.
I honestly couldn’t tell you what the hardest part is. Every day is different. Some days the hardest part is being ignored. Some days it’s when you realize you can’t remember how long it’s been since your needs have been met, but you have to keep pouring from a bone-dry cup anyway. Some days it’s sick, cranky kids. Some days it’s feeling like a total failure, that you can’t do anything right. Some days it’s everyone around you fighting & having a meltdown while you try to keep your own emotions in check. Some days it is feeling like you have no help or anyone to turn to, or worse, turning to someone you trust and being told, “well, you asked for this.” It depends on the day. It depends how my mental status is – did I get enough sleep? Did I eat?
• What are your biggest worries and concerns when you think you are not enough for your kids or for God?
I know that I am enough for my children. God wouldn’t have trusted me with them if I wasn’t – after all, they are His children first. However, there are human behaviors that I worry about impacting them, like when I yell. I apologize every time, but I still feel terrible. I try to be better than I was the day before, but I am human. While my husband has been out of work, I’ve felt like I am not able to do enough for them whether that be gifts or special outings. I have felt like a failure. I have felt like a disappointment. I especially feel this around birthdays & holidays. I do know, however, that the more that I compare, the more unsettled I feel. I only feel like I’m not doing enough when I compare what else could be done – a direct result of American consumerism. When I begin focusing on what I want (greed) & don’t have (envy), I begin feeling less than. We may not have everything we want, but we have what we need and most of all we have each other & that is enough.
Never in my life has it crossed my mind that I’m not good enough for God. I thought that was the whole concept: I was fearfully & wonderfully made in His image, and so were you. Saying I’m not enough is saying His image is wrong and that I know more than Him.
• Read Isaiah 26:3. What did you learn from this verse?
I had to look up what this was trying to tell me. What I learned is that if I look towards God, I will find the inner peace that I am searching for. I can’t control my way to peace, I must surrender. When it all seems like too much, ask God where to start. He will calm the heart & mind if I just trust in His plan.
• What does it mean to rely on the peace & power of God? How would that reliance change your parenting?
This is one that I feel that I’ve been working on while my husband has been out of work: really putting my faith into God taking care of us. It has been HARD. Most days I feel like the entire world rests on my shoulders and it will literally collapse if I don’t get it all done. I have to keep reminding myself that He doesn’t give us more than we can handle. I have to keep reminding myself that this is all part of His plan. I need to learn to let go of my need to control, and fully allow Him to do His work through me.
Knowing that these are God’s children and he has lent them to me to watch over them in their Earthly journeys is something that changed my parenting drastically. It really puts into perspective how important our jobs as Mothers is. We are trusted to care for them, keep them safe, treat them as good as God would. That’s a huge job! But it’s also SO beautiful that I was chosen for this.
• What do you want to gain most from this Bible Study?
I’m hoping to work through the traumas I have been carrying for so long now and let Jesus carry it for me. I hope to bring more peace into my heart & home. I hope I learn to let go of these grudges I hold & need to control, and learn to trust in God’s plan for me instead. I hope I can begin giving myself more grace. I hope to lean in and form a deeper relationship with God. To do personal reflection on areas that I need to work on in my life. Maybe get to connect with other like-minded mamas.
In November of 2022 my husband and I quit caffeine – all of it, including milk & dark chocolate 🍫.
Before I go any further I should probably explain to you that my daily fluid intake throughout most of my life consisted of hot coffee, iced coffee, Red bull, and sweet tea with little to no hydration in-between, with the exception of Gatorade.
Every morning began with 2-3 cups of hot coffee, then I’d switch to Red Bull for my day time drink. Anytime I had to leave my home, I stopped for an Iced Coffee as a “reward” for adulting. Anytime I ate out, I gulped down as much sweet tea as I could, bringing a to-go cup home with me. Trip to Panera? Super charged lemonade for there, Iced Caramel to go. Coffee ice cream, tiramisu desserts, coffee infused cheese. I could never have even caffeine, or so I thought.
The detox was miserable (and because of the extremely high levels of caffeine, probably dangerous). My head hurt so bad the first 3-4 days that I could barely get out of bed. I felt so uncomfortable and off balance. I was so grumpy. I missed the delicious smell of coffee brewing, filling up my entire home with the delicious aroma.
Then, slowly, I began noticing the changes in me. The first I noticed was how much energy I had. I would wake up, fully rested, clear-headed, ready to tackle the day immediately. I no longer had fatigue or grogginess or any sort of brain fog whatsoever. My energy lasted longer as well, no more mid day crash. I wake up with the energy of a small child which is really helpful when you have a ton of kids and a home & school to run.
The second thing I noticed was that my previously-diagnosed “anxiety disorder” completely disappeared. I was no longer living in literal fear. I was able to let little things go. I wasn’t completely overwhelmed by every aspect of life. I felt completely comfortable and content for the first time in my life.
When I drank caffeine I had so much anxiety there were times I mentally and physically couldn’t go into the grocery store because it was too overwhelming to me. I was having panic attacks constantly and living in paranoia. At the point of quitting in November 2022 my brain was SO overwhelmed at all times that a simple question was too much for me to handle. I’d either completely shut down unable to think or I’d have a meltdown over handling “too much.” It was horrible and absolutely not normal behavior even though social media has “normalized” it.
The third change I noticed was that I began sleeping deeply through the night again. Before I never felt like I was fully asleep. I’d immediately bounce out of bed with the slightest sound, which in an older, modest home you have a lot of unfortunately. I had believed it was a symptom of my PTSD and that I would always live with it, but as it turns out, it was actually my body being negatively affected by caffeine. Not getting any sleep was causing all kinds of other issues such as moodiness, acne, etc. Don’t get me wrong, because of my PTSD I do still have some sleeping issues, but I am experiencing less.
Getting sleep is SO important for your body and mental health and I am so grateful that my body has naturally healed by eliminating caffeine, allowing me to get proper sleep again. Sleep is something that I value very much now.
The fourth thing that I noticed was that my digestive system regulated on its own. Before quitting Caffeine, I dealt with a lot of stomach ulcers which I haven’t had any since. I don’t have nearly as many gastrointestinal issues. I’m eating more regularly- the Caffeine suppressed my appetite causing me to slip back into disordered eating, a lot of times going the entire day without consuming any food- living off the calories from the sugary beverages alone, which as a nursing mom isn’t good.
I did drank caffeine while nursing my children. I regret that a lot, knowing what I know now, however at the time I convinced myself that it was necessary to get through my days as a mom of many, especially the 3 under 3 days. Now I know that Caffeine gave me way less energy and way more stress trying to get through those days. It also cause my babies to be a lot more fussy & unable to sleep well- especially Moses.
This last winter we did, regretfully, introduce chocolate back into our lives. I’ll admit, the kids and I ate too much of it over the Christmas holiday. I noticed the kids behavior became very out of whack from that. They were fighting non-stop, way more emotional than normal, and not listening at all. Since limiting the chocolate again, the issues have gotten a lot better for the most part. I think sticking with the white chocolate is probably best for us, although I’m going to have a bit of a tough time re-giving up the chocolate chips in my ice cream again.
I have began drinking a lot more water. I like to drink water with lemon & cayenne pepper in the morning. I also enjoy a hot cup of caffeine-free tea on chilly mornings. Breakfast Essentials or other protein shakes have been a go to morning drink for me as well. I have been limiting my soda/pop intake for a long time already now, but I do occasionally drink a Sprite or Cream Soda when I’m craving one. I’ve replaced iced coffees with Smoothies or milkshakes. Definitely a lot more water though and my body feels so much better because of it.
Yesterday I had 11 years free from heroin. It feels like another lifetime ago.
I’ve never really liked talking about “sobriety.” I’ve been to at least a dozen different treatment centers and I am the 100% The Outlier.
I did not get sober by some miracle or some force Greater than myself. I got sober because I’m stubborn. I got into an altercation with a corrupt judge over the fact that I told her that she can’t expect anyone to get sober “by the book” and that was why her Drug Court was failing. By failing, I meant that a huge majority of her clients were either dying in the program itself or manipulating their way through the system to complete the program, then immediately relapse and die once completed. She called it “contempt,” told me it was her court room and she knew better than me, I was just an addict and would never change, then threatened to ship me to Marysville Prison for 5 years for disrespecting her.
She put up every single obstacle in my path that she could. She denied me the right to get mental health treatment claiming I had no history of mental illness, even though I had documented evidence dating back over a decade of being treated by a psychiatrist and psychologist, and had documented trips to the psych ward.
She denied me the ability to go to the treatment center for mothers. I was currently pregnant with my second child and I had my son currently with my parents as his legal guardians. When I inquired why she denied this program to me, she refused to provide an answer other than “no.” This program would have allowed me access to maternal care- which she denied and I did not get until nearly my 3rd trimester. My daughter was born with some long lasting effects due to that.
During group sharing time at the jail treatment center she sent me to instead, with absolutely no maternal care, I was asked to share my feelings. At first I refused to speak, but after being threatened with non-compliance (which would result in 1-3 day(s) punishment in county jail) I shared that I felt that judge and her little dog of a probation officer were some power tripping bitches. This got me kicked out of the program entirely & transferred back to the county jail. I told her she could do whatever the hell she wants to me, lock me up wherever for however long, but she will NEVER break my spirit. I gladly accepted my felonies and felt beyond relief to be back in county jail after the absolute hell that was that drug program. Then after a total of 6 months, start to finish, I was finally released from jail back out to society.
Luckily for me, I picked up another non-drug related felony (receiving stolen property) when I got home and was transferred out of her courtroom into the courtroom of my ex, who did the stealing part of the property I received. This was the absolute best outcome that could have happened. This judge was fair. This judge gave me a chance. This judge actually rooted for me. This probation officer rooted for me and believed in me. This probation officer valued respect, on both sides, instead of being an authoritarian. This was the team I needed.
I became obsessed with showing my old corrupt judge that I did in fact know better than her. My life mission became getting sober just so I could look her in the eyes with the biggest shit-eating grin on my face and show her who holds the real power here- ME.
11 years later, she’s been removed from the courthouse. I’m still sober. I told you I knew better, Judge Burke. My “shit attitude” (aka stubbornness) in fact is what got me, and kept me, sober.
Reasons Why I Call Myself an Outlier
• I’ve never supported AA/NA. I have been to many meetings in several different states, and they are all the same. The members of AA see themselves as the “superior” addicts & don’t approve of the members who use drugs and believe they need to be at NA, but the members of NA are typically there on a court-mandated basis so they see it as a meet up spot to make new addict friends or prey on weaker addicts to get them to relapse. Therefore, making it an unsafe environment for drug-using addicts, hence why they try to gravitate towards AA instead.
Beyond the initial turf wars, this program focuses on the fact that you are and always will be an addict. There is literally no hope of being anything else but an addict for the rest of your days. I just don’t believe that & I think that is both weak and sick thinking. I have addict tendencies, but I am no longer an addict. I WAS an addict. I AM now healed. Telling myself that I am no longer an addict, does not make me think that I am able to use now. I know that I can’t. I “play the tape through” and know that using once means never putting it back down, so I just don’t. Know better, do better in all aspects of life.
• I use Medical Marijuana & still consider myself sober. I am 100% against big pharma & taking pharmaceutical medications, although I do have to give credit to Vivitrol for my sobriety which I used for 1 year after initial detox. I was an extremely overmedicated child/teenager. I was the drug trial for Seroquel and at one point I was on 700 mg of it, while only 85 lbs myself. I could barely stand up. I had severe hallucinations that left me screaming for my mom to save me, however since she couldn’t see or hear what I could, there was nothing she could do to help me. It was hands down the WORST medication for any human to be on, and what is worse is my doctor assured me it was safe to take while pregnant with my oldest son, then he was born with tremors from it. I went against AMA and stopped taking ALL medications after he was born, and it was the best decision for myself. I strongly urge you to research “Seroquel Horror Stories” to save yourself or any loved ones who may be a victim of a doctor prescribing this poison.
I believe those medications had a HUGE impact on my addictions and mental illnesses. The list of things I had been prescribed over the years was long and I HATED every single medicine since the very first one. I hated the way they made me feel. I hated everything about them.
However with my addictions, came a lot of trauma and I developed PTSD. I use medical marijuana was a way to cope with my PTSD, disordered eating, and constant back pain from carrying 6 babies & 6 c-section surgeries. It works as an anti-psychosis for me, the same way that someone with depression would benefit from an anti-depressant. It helps me sleep & eliminates the nightmares that I’ve had since I was a child. Medical Marijuana also helped me quit a 15 year nicotine addiction back in 2018 which I had previously attempted using gum, patches, hypnosis, cold turkey, and other methods all of which none worked for me.
It’s been a long, strange trip getting here, but now that I’m here, I couldn’t imagine my life any other way. There have definitely been times that I missed the “old me.” I was so carefree and unapologetically me. I felt invincible. Every day was an exciting adventure. But I was so empty & alone. I love the life I’ve built. My husband, my kids, my home. Homeschooling & having a zoo. I love being healthy. I love the stability. I love the safety and security. I love getting to experience life with everyone I love & who loves me. I might even finally be starting to love… me.
“Every cell in our entire body is destroyed and replaced every seven years. How comforting it is to know one day I will have a body you will have never touched.”
While the science behind it isn’t exactly accurate, it’s still a really cool idea, and I found it extremely fitting for today.
Today I have seven years opiate-free. Today is the day that I would have a new body that heroin has never touched.
Not only is it a new body, but a new decade for both the world and myself as I close the chapter on my 20s this year. How is that for awesome coincidental timing?
Even though it isn’t accurate, I’m going to look at it as if it were. So today I am beginning my new life, in my new body. I’m going to start looking towards the future and stop trying to hold onto the past.
I’m going to forgive myself, give myself grace, and move on. I’m going to stop thinking and speaking so negatively about myself. I’m going to let go of all of the self-hatred I have been carrying for so long. Those cells are gone, no need to hate them anymore.
From Heroin to Housewife 