As humans, it seems that we are rarely willing to agree on anything. The one thing we CAN all agree on, is that 2020 has been a rough year, especially for those battling with mental illness.
I haven’t smoked cigarettes in almost 2.5 years, yet I spend 85% of my day convincing myself not to smoke them. Each day is getting increasingly more difficult to convince myself not to pick that habit back up.
I haven’t used heroin in over 7.5 years, yet this year I have found myself fantasizing over the idea of making all of my physical + mental pain go away. Logically, I know that won’t work for long & it will only be a matter of time before I have all my current problems, plus a whole new set of them, which is what holds me back. When you know better, you do better. Getting and staying off heroin was far easier than 2020 for me.
Then the suicidal thoughts. Its a strange place to find yourself when you don’t want to live, but not ready to die, yet. It’s a lonely place to be. I have so much to be thankful for, yet I want to throw it all away so someone much kinder, happier, and more deserving can take my place. Someone who is more patient, someone more still. Someone who doesn’t have the long list of mental illnesses that I live with. Someone who isn’t set off over the simplest of things. Someone who won’t show them what the dark side of mental illness looks like. Someone who is nothing like me.
But in the midst of my latest stress-induced meltdown, I realized something really big that stopped me in my tracks.
I have 4 girls nearly 24/7.
4 girls who I have been isolated with inside a tiny house for the better half of a year.
4 girls who fight. & scream. & cry. & shriek. & yell. Usually all at the same time.
A newborn, turned infant, who is now running. Who has been attached to my hip since birth with no breaks.
An extremely high-strung, dangerously-fearless, independent, messy, busy toddler.
A half-day preschooler who we have to pile in a car (if you’ve ever watched this ordeal, you understand) to drop off, only to pile in a car again to pick up almost two hours later.
A very hyper-active 1st grader who I am now homeschooling 3 days a week. Who I can rarely bring into public due to behavioral reasons, especially without another adult present.
3 days at home, means 2 days at school. 2 days that start 30 minutes of each other, who because of covid cannot be dropped off together. With a baby & toddler who cry every time they sit in a parked car for any length of time. 2 days in a classroom with 6 other children with a teacher who doesn’t believe me that she displays every symptom of ADHD, and an ADHD test which is based entirely on what unrelated adults around her believe to be true.
Speech therapy appointments for my toddler.
Behavioral therapy appointments for my 1st grader.
Parent coaching appointments for myself.
Doctor appointments for all. Trying to find a dentist in our network that specializes in Pediatrics.
With not one break.
Not one single one.
I’m stretched far, far beyond what I can mentally handle. Yes, having so many children WAS my decision; but neither I, nor anyone else, planned for a global pandemic when planning for a family.
Nobody planned for this.
I am not alone in my struggle, but that does not make it easier.
When you live in a constant state of manic-depression, it is very hard to remember to be kind to yourself. It is difficult to see your worth and hold on to your will to live, if you can even find it.
I wrote this list of things I deserve in life, even if I don’t believe it yet. Someday I might.
And who knows, it may be exactly what someone needs to hear today.
We are all in this together ❤
- I deserve to be built up.
- I deserve to share my feelings without feeling weak.
- I deserve to be loved despite my imperfections.
- I deserve respect.
- I deserve to be happy.
- I deserve adventure.
- I deserve to plan for the best.
- I deserve to feel beautiful.
- I deserve help. I NEED help.
- I deserve a break.
- I deserve kindness, compassion, & grace.
- I deserve mental health days.
- I deserve to feel stressed.
- I deserve to embrace progress over perfection.
- I deserve to relax.
- I deserve to stand up for myself.
- I deserve to be heard.
- I deserve to live.
And so do you. ❤